These days, I find myself really wedged in between hope and ‘reality.’ Just to be totally honest here; J is further away from us than he has ever been. For a long time, I knew he was living in some kind of struggle (unsure of his decision to carry on in this manner) which is where I hung my hope hook. However, the more he ‘researches’ the clearer his conscience becomes. Scary. He is no longer hung up on any verse in the Bible as his research has dismissed everything and made active homosexuality not only permissible but encouraged. I don’t know how to relate to him. I know the Bible commands us to love and I can easily do that for every person living in sin who doesn’t know any better but the believer who changes the Bible to fit their sin?….this seems like a different story. What does love look like in this situation?

No, seriously….I am asking you. What does love look like in this situation? Do I congratulate him on his new relationship? Do I help him pick out furniture for his apartment? Do I shake my finger at him in love/discipline like I would with my kids? Does love speak truth every single time it gets the chance? Does it NOT speak truth every chance it gets?

Meanwhile, as he slips further and further away, I wonder if it is at all in God’s perfect plan to redeem J and bring him back to us. Is it possible I think I know too much about God? He is grand and can do any pickin’ thing He wants, to whom He wants, when He wants and where He wants. I had/I have (I had’ve?) all kinds of hope in God redeeming this mess. For a long time I believed (to the depths of my soul) that it was God’s plan to restore him to me….I didn’t know how it would all play out …I figured all I had to do was wait and hang on to that hope hook.

Waiting? It’s REALLY complicated cuzzz God’s (my) plan isn’t playing out like I thought it would. Now, I’ve twisted God’s (my) plan into something like “God’s not going to move, until you no longer believe He will. God wants to break you first.” It’s very dramatic that way. You know, like the movies…just when the person loses hope, that’s when the white horse swoops in. So now what? Do I just give up? Release my tight grip off the hope hook? so God can pick up the pieces and create a beautiful mosaic?

Let me fill you in on a little secret: I tried to give up. Turns out I can’t convince myself. . . and Oh how I  wish I could cuz once I do that, God will send him back to me on that glorious white horse, right?…..right?. . .

It’s like standing behind a door wondering if there will be a surprise party for you on the other side? Can I act surprised? What if I open the door and it’s just a dark empty room? Will I cry or can I shake it off and move on?

Even though I try to convince myself that I am waiting on the Lord, I think I am really waiting for J and relying on my ‘ability to wait’ to make that happen.

Isaiah 40:31 says:

“But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint.”

Hmm…it doesn’t say those who wait on the Lord will get their husbands back. I think it’s saying that if I wait on the Lord, then my life doesn’t have to end here. My “best days” are not behind me.

It doesn’t appear that J is traversing this way. It doesn’t appear that God is forcing him to. My will cannot change the outcome. Yet I know God is so big that He CAN work this all out according to my deepest prayers. I know it’s too early to wonder about a future husband but . . . will it be him? will it be someone else? Will it be no one? Can God? Will God? And if God doesn’t, is that somehow better?… I’m going to have to stop writing my own happy ending…and then erasing and rewriting it. I need to rip out those ratted pages and leave them blank and instead wait for God to fill them in.